I have been thinking about how to approach this for over a week now. It is very difficult to say the things that need to be said about one of my heroes when they are this negative. I have seen some very harsh reviewers sugarcoat their reviews out of respect for Argento, but I cannot be so kind. I also have to give and advance spoiler warning. I am going to be giving away the end of the movie as well as key developments within in the movie. Unfortunately, I have to do this to illustrate the horror of Mother of Tears, and why I almost left the screening room in tears myself.
The movie starts off with the discovery of an ancient urn/case that is sent to a museum where it is discovered by two interns,Sarah (Asia Argento) and Giselle (Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni). While Sarah is away for a moment Giselle opens this horrific box. The box unlocks the return of the Mother of Tears, and all hell breaks loose... well at least the first murder. I have to say this is a very gory scene. It was excessive and brutal, which I liked, but Sarah comes back to see the grizzly scene taking place and a monkey begins to chase her. Yep, a monkey. She finally escapes the monkey chase and goes to the police. They don't seem to believe here logical story of demons and monkey chases so they dismiss her story and let her go. Ahhhh, I thought I could do it, but I just can't. I cannot give a serious review of this movie that parodies itself. I will just say what is wrong with the movie.
The witches that were supposed to be menacing were very laughable. They were running around trying to spook passers by as though the were on a rampage. When I say they were laughable I mean that literally, the screening audience was laughing. I was excited to see Daria Nicolodi return to an Argento film, but she returns as a horribly animated ghost. I mean horribly animated. I could do better with iMovie. This ghost is Sarah's/Asia's mother telling her she has to learn to use her special magical powers to fight the Mother of Tears. When she goes to the man she is supposed to see to learn how to use her powers he simply shows her a page in a book. That is it. No real education... just look at this page. With her new knowledge she goes to a catacomb that is the haven for these wacky witches. She is accompanied be a cop who ends up believing her story, but the cop is killed and somehow make a mysterious return unharmed. Who am I to question? While in the middle of some eerie ceremony (that will probably cause ultimate world destruction), Asia takes a pole and removes the cloak from the mother of tears in what would be a Benny Hill skit if it would have been given the appropriate music. This cloak, which was apparently the mother's only true link to her magical powers, came off to reveal... Boobies! The theater was rolling in laughter at this point. Moments later, though, Sarah and the cop escape to to the surface only to start laughing themselves. We were all laughing... audience and actors alike. Then came the best part of the movie, the end credits. The end song was made by Claudio Simonetti with vocals from Dani Filth from Cradle of Filth. The song was very enjoyable, which I wish I could say about the rest of the soundtrack. You could hear aspects of Goblin through the entire film (scored by Simonetti), but it never really exploded like the Suspiria soundtrack.
I really hate to speak this way of my favorite director. It really pains me. I didn't like Sleepless much, and I really hated the Card Player. This movie I found detestable. I am not even nitpicking the gratuitous nudity and violence toward his daughter that other critics have exploited. It was just a bad movie that ends up laughing in the audiences face at the end. In fact I suggest viewing it (if you must) as a comedy... that way you might not be let down so bad.
